Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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