Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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