My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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