i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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