I seem to have left my pride at pride
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
