two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
