Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
