I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
