Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
