You're completely useless in the revolution.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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