True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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