tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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