Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
