I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
