My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
