my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
