I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
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