I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
