I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
