This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize