woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
