brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i dont even know how to be here
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
