I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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