Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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