please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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