everyone is single if you try hard enough
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
