Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
