I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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