Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
