Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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