dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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