2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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