i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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