You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
