Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
