Your face is a jimmy john
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
