i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
