Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
