You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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