My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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