I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
