mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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