if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Come share oat with me in your robe
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
