Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
