This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize