So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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