areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Too much gin, very little bucket
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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