At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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