Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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