apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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