you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize