It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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