If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
