He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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