i may or may not be watching the land before time
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
