Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
