I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Can I color on your dick again?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
