yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
