ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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